Apparently this is a common question, and I think you deserve a nuanced answer from a real therapist.
Sure, the answer is in the grey zone of “it depends.” But, when I hear that someone has been in therapy for that long consistently, especially with the same therapist, I have questions.
In general, I think for many clients 10 years of consistent therapy is too long. If it’s on and off therapy for different goals or different life events that is totally normal. I’ve popped in and out of therapy myself a few times when the need comes up. But, after 10 years with the same therapist, I would start to wonder why.
The number 1 question you should ask yourself to answer if 10 years is too long for YOU to be in therapy…
Have I made progress on my therapy goals?
First of all if you didn’t know that therapy is supposed to have goals, well now you do. Your goal or goals might be broad in general for your life. But, a specific problem probably brought you to therapy. Either that problem or the deeper issue that led to your problem is likely to lead to the right therapy goal for you. Your goals can shift and adjust but they should still exist.
For example, many of my clients have a LOT of stress and anxiety. Their goals often relate to reducing the stress where possible and improving their ability to cope with stress when they don’t have enough tools. If we want to get specific it can mean things like “not yelling at my kids when they are making us late” or “communicate my needs to my partner.”
That means in therapy part of the task is identifying personal needs, practicing setting and holding boundaries, working through guilt, and learning to ask for help. We often discover they don’t feel like they’re enough so we focus on releasing that belief (spoiler alert – this is almost always the case) because it’s getting in the way of them taking those practical steps.
The therapy goals are at the front of my mind because we set them together from the start and they are at the top of my notes every time. Some therapists are excellent at setting goals with you and either keeping them top of mind for themselves or actively checking in with you about them. This can lead to incredibly helpful conversation about what is (and isn’t) working and guide your therapy process. If it’s been 10 years, or even one year, and you don’t feel like you’ve made progress it’s time to discuss with your therapist if that’s true (sometimes we don’t notice our own progress) and if it is, what they suggest changes so you can make progress.
It often comes up for clients that have experienced childhood trauma that they don’t see their own growth, so I want to put a note about that here. If your symptoms or problems at the beginning of therapy were quite high, it’s harder to see the growth when you still see so much more you want to change. For example, if you were constantly having panic attacks and now you’re having significantly less, that is progress. Or maybe you used to be unable to talk about things without getting emotionally overwhelmed and now you can speak about those same things with ease. You get to decide if you’re still making progress and if that progress is at a pace that works for you. Please know your progress will likely be slower if you are actively in a traumatic or abusive situation because in those cases the goal is survival and safety first.
If you’re truly not making progress in therapy, it’s time to make a change.
If your therapist isn’t up for that, it means time for a new therapist. It doesn’t have to mean they are a bad therapist, it just means they aren’t the right one for you at this time in your life. There are many reasons why that might be, and that’s probably a whole set of posts on their own too!
If it’s time for you to make a change so you can actually make progress in therapy, schedule a complimentary call with me today using the link below to see if we’re the right match. We’ll get you on the path to feeling calm and confident again.
